just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
