I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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