did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
