dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
