i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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