I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
