I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
