Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
