the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize