dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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