So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
