operation harelip BJ is a go
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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