Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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