She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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