was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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