i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
