Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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