Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
