Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
