so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
