you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
