dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
