nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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