My first STD was from a foam party
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I fill condoms, not promises.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Randomize
