I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
no you cant smoke seaweed
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
