There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
