Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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