I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
