I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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