Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
