having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
