dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
