When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
