he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
