this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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