The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
