How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dignity is for republicans.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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