After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
