I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
