Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
