Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
