Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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