life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize