the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found puke in my bra..
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
