I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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