We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
