Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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