connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
