I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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