Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
