Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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