You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
