me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
