The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
