I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
