she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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