i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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