apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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