the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Randomize